Thursday, July 8, 2010

You know what I hate?



From June 2007, an old, yet appropriate Africans piece. I still hate all these things, in most cases even more than I did a few years ago.

I've been thinking that I should just give this title to everything I write, because no matter how hard I try, a little bit of complaining always seems to slip out. I can only equate this to farting while also suffering from anal seepage. You're just expecting gas, but there is always that little squirt that leaves you slightly uncomfortable, and everyone looks at you like you're a monster. I find I have a similar problem with toilet humour. No matter how heartfelt I am trying to be, I always default to smut. I guess it is just the part of my mind that lubricates the creative juices. I believe that most creatively inclined folk are also blessed with antisocial traits, which makes up part of their special characters. I believe that, because the alternative is to believe that I am a 31 year old man who laughs when anyone says "bum". Sad isn't it? But I hate you for judging me. I decided to just write about a few things that I really do hate, because God knows there is an endless stream of crap that we wade through on the road of life, and numerous saboteurs who constitute themselves into stumbling blocks that stand in the way of progress.

You know what I really hate? I'll start with something really obvious, so you can see that I am human, just like you. I fucking hate pedestrians that idly walk into moving traffic as though they are impervious to damage, or are under the impression that a speeding car can come to a complete stop in 5 feet. As much as these stupid cunts piss me off, I do not wish to have a person's death on my conscience. I don't want to see the crying kids, the grief stricken friends and relatives, and be haunted by the spectre of this senseless death for the rest of my life. I try to drive responsibly, but I am only human. I hate the part of myself that just wants to stamp down on the accelerator when I look into those bovine eyes, as some idiot student lazily strolls in front of me as the traffic light turns green. It's like a challenge - "I'm just gonna walk asshole, and what are you gonna do about it?". Of course we have a huge number of pedestrian casualties all year round, but then if these people were aware enough to take notice that, they would probably also be vaguely aware of how much damage a heavy metal automobile can do to a fragile human body, but they're not. They're morons. If I didn't feel guilt, I would never stop, and just chalk it down to natural selection.

You know what I also really hate? Taxis. Everyone who drives hates taxis. Even people who use taxis hate taxis. This is what happens when the lowest form of criminal scum see a gap in the market place, and exploit the working class, so that Mr X can make a fortune off his fleet of battered unroadworthy pieces of shit. And they have the audacity to make themselves to be honest businessmen as well. Crucifixion is too good for them.

You know what I also really hate? My job. This also seems pretty obvious, but there is more to it than that. Not only is it creatively stifling, and bogged down by a lot of bureaucratic garbage, the company I work for has a main client in United Kingdom, with a complex hierarchy, and the attitude that since they are dealing with South Africans, they are dealing with third world peasants who do not understand computers, the internet, and any kind of IT or design related matters. After a long time of corresponding by email with certain persons (during which time I deduced that they were disorganised, and had rather poor taste in design), I got to meet one of the main culprits in person. During my brief interaction, I learned that she was an idiot who couldn't make a decision without a committee, and had barely any computer skills. Having seen an example of her own design work, I believe she had the tastes and talents of a toddler. She is now heading research and development of a multi million dollar software development project, concerning the custom built software that I often used at work. It barely functions, but then that is what I have come to expect. I work alongside great people, but as far as environments go, this one is rather soul destroying.

You know what I also really hate? This is kind of connected to the previous thing. Macs. Macs used to the thing to have in design, and they used to be "cool". You know what else used to be cool? Wearing stupid fucking little plastic dummies round your neck. Given what macs cost in this country, there is no reason on earth to own one, unless you are handed it free of charge. Macs are computers for people who are afraid of using computers, but want to sit in a coffee shop with their laptop open in front of them so that others can see they are funky, and work in the "media", you know, in case the Fall Out Boy haircut made one think they were a student. And what happens when it fucks up? You're fucked basically, because nobody here can fix them. Try fiddling with OS, and you will come away in a deep frustrated rage that will last for days. I've reinstalled Windows on my pc countless times, and have fixed problems with USB, hard drives, and my internet access, by asking friends, and often just battling it out myself. If I had a Mac, I would probably be dead from a brain hemorrhage now. I include Ipods and Itunes under this Mac umbrella as well. As much as I love my Ipod, I hate the fact that the controls are made for idiots, and thus actually hamper functionality. Same goes for Itunes - worst media player, ever, in my opinion. Its only saving grace is that you will probably stop using it sooner or later, because it simply cannot play a large percentage of audio and video formats. Go Steve Job! You cunning cock sucking piece of shit.

You know what I also really hate? People who defend corrupt politicians by comparing them to past politicians. I know Apartheid was evil, and the people behind it were fucking monsters, and I am honestly glad it is well behind us. I was a child during Apartheid, and never fully understood the events at the time. Now that I am politically aware, I can recognise a cunt when I see one, and there are a shitload to choose from, believe me. Because I signal out perennial soft target Manto, doesn't mean I am a racist, or am conveniently forgetting the past. She is the health minister in my country, and as a voter, I am sickened. If she was white, I would be equally as disgusted by her arrogance and her ignorance, as I am now. Just as the wage difference between a policeman and an MP is unbelievable and sickening, the reliance on government privileges that secured ailing and aging Manto an "evil western medicinal procedure" in the form of a liver transplant is sickening, as she promotes the use of nutrition to fight terminal diseases because let's not let the poor put too much pressure on the health budget. One law for rich and another for the poor. I'm sure Apartheid politicians did this all the time, but then our government is supposed to be the leading light of Africa, so really, their conduct should be better than the bunch of embezzling self serving Nazi cunts we had in the past.

You know what I also really hate? Religion. I have said it so many times before, but I need to mention it again. When a person tries to force their will upon another due to the belief in some sort of invisible force that cannot be scientifically explained... can someone explain the difference between this and delusional schizophrenia? Just because a load of people all agree, doesn't make it right. A lot of people agreed on Adolf Hitler you know. Case closed.

You know what I also really hate? People who are in no way self aware. Ok, I don't hate them, but they irritate the shit out of me, because we all have to make special allowances for "x" because they are in a mood, and are acting like the biggest cunt on earth. Then after they've chewed you out over something stupid and trivial, they will graciously forgive you with time, while never admitting why they were actually angry in the first place, and thus the cycle continues. Example A - "X" has had a fight with their partner, and now they are blaming the traffic, the slow service at the pub, and the fact that you don't like their favorite band, for ruining their lives. I have been guilty of this myself, but now I am a bit better, thanks to venting my rage through columns like this one.

You know what I also really hate? My lack of self confidence. I see so many successful things around me, that I am sure I could do better, until the time comes to actually do it, then I freeze up like a deer in the headlights. I still feel like that when I play gigs with my band, even though deep down I can see what I value in the music I make above a lot of other music, I often left feeling extremely insecure when I see other bands playing, even if I would normally dismiss them altogether as derivative or dull. I am a little better than I was, because I can actually get my stuff (be it music, writing, art) out there to a few people, and I can speak to people without being washed over by a wave of anxiety and feeling like they are all staring at me wondering when this insignificant little shit will stop wasting their time. Often I feel like I just want to scream in their faces, but when the time comes, I am always afraid. It makes me absolutely crazy.

You know what I also really hate? Flavours or variants of products that are removed from the market shortly after I have settled on them as my favorite. This happens all the time. Flavours of softdrink, brands of chocolate bars, flavours of Woolworths instant soup, brands of beer.....even items on restaurants menus.... If I wasn't so taken up with the concepts of "the real world" and "being sane" I would swear there was some conspiracy to make my life slightly more irritating. If I ever find the person responsible for the withdrawal of the grapefruit flavour of Just Juice, I will have strong words. Then I'll kill them. Then I'll eat their face.

I'm stopping here, because this is long enough already. I could keep going indefinitely, forgoing sustenance and sleep in lieu of the hate that would nourish me. I don't think it would be that emotionally healthy, and I am sure you are pretty bored at this point, if you are still reading. I promise next week's update will be funny, and full of the usual wit and drollery you are accustomed to. For now, just try to be positive. I am trying it too. My nose is bleeding, but I'm pressing on. Smell the flowers, take a bite of that apple, whistle a jolly tune. There is a lot to live for.

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