Be safe! Part three

More crimes and how to avoid being a victim! I'm too ill to write a witty intro…see part one and part two.

5. Riding the gravy train
If there is a single crime symptomatic of the disgusting moral decline of our society, it is the revolting youthful trend euphemistically dubbed riding the gravy train. Today's degenerate youngsters are not simply content with picking pockets, writing filthy slogans on walls, or scrumping for apples. They want to rot our society from the inside and laugh as we see our hard won values fall. Then they want to piss in our faces.

This trend involves boys and girls, sometimes as young as 4, seducing older men in respected positions of power in order to publicly humiliate them. How many amongst us know a trusted uncle, a kindly old teacher, or even a beloved parish priest, robbed of their dignity with a slickly acted charade? These children can turn their tears on like a tap, and they have no qualms about using their bodies like credit cards to arouse a naïve old chap, tease him, titillate him, and then pop the cork ride the gravy train! Then it's off to brag to their sick little gang about silly, red faced Father So-and-so, and how easily this lonely old man was bullied into unwilling buggery. For shame!

Even though this doesn't affect all of us, it is a good idea to make sure that old men in positions of authority are given our unwavering trust no matter what. It is the whittling of this trust, and ultimately the destruction of the pillars of our collective decency, that these youngsters want. If you know such a man who is accused of inappropriate behaviour by some deviant young person, we all know very well that the only crime they're probably guilty of is caring too much.

6. Identity theft
With the advent of passports, computers and credit cards, proving that we are who we claim has become very important indeed. In olden times when there were fewer names and people were generally of a better quality, any confusion over which of one the village's ten Florians owed you a goat could easily be settled over a flagon of cider and a nice chat. Where have those days gone?

Identity thieves are basically out there to steal your life, but unlike the common killer, they don't always leave you for dead. The methods vary, depending on the skill and criminal imagination of the thief. I heard of one trickster waylaying a man, tying him up, taking his jacket, and merely holding a photograph of the victim's face over his own. He then went to the victim's home and shouted to the family from outdoors that they were all to play hide and seek – they only saw him fleetingly through the front window and nothing seemed amiss. While they hid, the thief emptied the house. How's that for a fuck you dressed as a good afternoon kiss?

These cases unfortunately aren't always that innocent. I read about an incident in which a slim thief actually killed a rotund gentleman and wore his carcass as a suit to fool family and friends. He lived in the victim's house for a fortnight, until all the family's savings had been electronically transferred to an offshore account. He then fled, leaving nothing but a well dressed carcass rotting on the couch.

Identity protection is just not as easy as protecting a chest of gold or a flock of sheep. It takes brains as well as cutlasses or dogs. First thing is to get easily identifiable scars or tattoos – do this today! Then you should develop a series of code words to use with your family and closest friends. If someone wears your severed face over their own, you and your family could be fucked, until your wife realises you haven't said "…of course my own urine is far sweeter…" for more than five minutes. Bam! A twelve gauge pelvic massage for the great pretender and your family fortune remains untouched by criminal (and probably foreign) hands.

That's it for now folks. I'll be back next week with more ways to help you live longer in this fetid swamp of human evil we call home.

Be safe! Part two

My friends, my friends: please forgive me! I've been existing in a new-home inspired funk recently, and I've not had the time or energy to put fleshy digit to hard plastic and continue my safety tips I started in Be Safe! part one.

But enough about me and my problems. It's a fucking jungle out there – a concrete jungle full of law breaking animals who want to steal your shoes and violate your corpse. Want to survive? Read on – these crimes are real and could happen to anyone, hint hint.

3. Fishing scams
As if this country wasn't sick enough already, low life criminal scum have resorted to robbing fishermen of their haul, in many cases leaving them unable to feed their families.

The scam is simple – a group of bandits, either disguised as traveling jesters or fortune tellers, hail a hapless fisherman as he returns home with his catch. They pretend that their cart has a broken wheel, and implore the man to help them repair it. While the good natured fellow sweats away, trying to fix the problem, a member of the group steals his fish and replaces them with wrapped wads of human feces. Once the wheel is fixed, the group thanks the man, and he returns to his home. Only then does he discover his smelly cargo, and the miscreants are long gone!

In order to avoid being duped in this way, simply never stop to help gypsies, clowns, fortune tellers, jugglers, bear baiters, or anyone who looks like they work in a carnival. Since it's 2010, these people should stick out like a sore thumb, but you'd be surprised how many idiots fall for this sort of thing.

4. Driveway robberies
In my last update I wrote about smash and grab attacks that employed enormous primates to empty houses. This week the hot potato is driveway robberies, in which a largish group, or horde, if you will, of savage barbarians literally charge up the victim's driveway with a battering ram and smash down their garage door.

Once they have gained access to the main house, the horde will go on a rampage, stealing silver, slaves, and gold, until their lust for conquest has been sated and they give thanks to Odin, usually by way of animal sacrifice (or the youngest child in the house, if they don't have pets). They then return to their longships (often moored on the Liesbeek River) and head back to their frozen northern wasteland, where the slaves are set to work preparing lavish banquets and serving mead in cups made from animal horns and human skulls.

A fancy alarm system won't really help you if you're being charged down by some lunatic wearing animal furs and carrying a battle axe, so in this case, the best form of defense is definitely an offense. Dig pit traps in your garden and line them with spikes. Construct elaborate and impractical boobytraps that pulp invaders with a giant hammer, and always remember to keep a huge cauldron of oil simmering just above your driveway door. Owning a handgun might also help.

Until next time, keep a calm head on your shoulders, and keep 'em peeled – crime never sleeps and usually only holidays in Spring, to save money before peak season rates kick in.

Be safe! Part one

Hello, and welcome to the weekend! Before you throw on your hip "threads" and penetrate the night, I would urge you to take a few moments to read this article, as it contains some warnings about alarming new crime trends in South Africa.


Ever since the ANC took over, crime has soared like a majestic bird with limited literacy and the gauche tastes that accompanies new money. While the quality of police has declined steadily, wily criminals are coming up with inventive new ways of stealing our money, murdering our bodies, and raping our dead bodies every single day.


In order to do my bit in stemming this tsunami of a thousand Satans, I've prepared a list of new criminal acts to guard yourself against. I will post a few each week.


1. Credit card skimming
This might not sound that serious, but I have a friend who lost an eye and a wallet in a credit card skimming attack. What happens here is that the villain (usually a rogue carnie or traveling magician well versed in card throwing) uses his skills to flick a hard plastic credit card into the face of his victim.


Disorientated, the victim stumbles blindly, while the miscreant uses either chloroform or Haitian zombie powder to subdue them. The best possible outcome is robbery, and the worst is a wretched life of slavery and the total destruction of self.


The only defense against such attacks (other than the constant protection of flight goggles) is to develop the ancient Ninja skill of 'arrow cutting'. This is when you develop reflexes fast enough to simply pluck any oncoming missile from the air and hurl it back at your assailant at twice the speed. It sounds like a lot of work, but it is well worth the effort.


2. Smash and grab attacks
Since the advent of the door, and centuries later, the Trellidor, thieves have had to rely on their climbing or lockpicking skills to gain entry to your home or shop. Add burglar bars to the equation, and your home was virtually impenetrable. Sadly this is no longer the case, and a new terror is sweeping our streets, but not in a good way.


The typical smash and grab attack is usually carried out by one or two fiends, and an accompanying giant mountain gorilla. The gorilla uses its enormous size and strength to literally smash down the walls of your home or tear off the roof, while the thieves scuttle inside and fill their swag sacks to bursting point. Like so many roaches, and one giant ape.


Unless your premises are guarded by a reptile equal or greater in size to the marauding ape, there is simply no defense against this sort of attack. I heard of one man who took on such a beast with an axe, and had both legs torn off within seconds. The creature then crushed his two young sons into a meaty paste and smeared him with it as he lay dying. Nasty business.


To be continued next week.