Hello, and welcome to the weekend! Before you throw on your hip "threads" and penetrate the night, I would urge you to take a few moments to read this article, as it contains some warnings about alarming new crime trends in South Africa.
Ever since the ANC took over, crime has soared like a majestic bird with limited literacy and the gauche tastes that accompanies new money. While the quality of police has declined steadily, wily criminals are coming up with inventive new ways of stealing our money, murdering our bodies, and raping our dead bodies every single day.
In order to do my bit in stemming this tsunami of a thousand Satans, I've prepared a list of new criminal acts to guard yourself against. I will post a few each week.
1. Credit card skimming
This might not sound that serious, but I have a friend who lost an eye and a wallet in a credit card skimming attack. What happens here is that the villain (usually a rogue carnie or traveling magician well versed in card throwing) uses his skills to flick a hard plastic credit card into the face of his victim.
Disorientated, the victim stumbles blindly, while the miscreant uses either chloroform or Haitian zombie powder to subdue them. The best possible outcome is robbery, and the worst is a wretched life of slavery and the total destruction of self.
The only defense against such attacks (other than the constant protection of flight goggles) is to develop the ancient Ninja skill of 'arrow cutting'. This is when you develop reflexes fast enough to simply pluck any oncoming missile from the air and hurl it back at your assailant at twice the speed. It sounds like a lot of work, but it is well worth the effort.
2. Smash and grab attacks
Since the advent of the door, and centuries later, the Trellidor, thieves have had to rely on their climbing or lockpicking skills to gain entry to your home or shop. Add burglar bars to the equation, and your home was virtually impenetrable. Sadly this is no longer the case, and a new terror is sweeping our streets, but not in a good way.
The typical smash and grab attack is usually carried out by one or two fiends, and an accompanying giant mountain gorilla. The gorilla uses its enormous size and strength to literally smash down the walls of your home or tear off the roof, while the thieves scuttle inside and fill their swag sacks to bursting point. Like so many roaches, and one giant ape.
Unless your premises are guarded by a reptile equal or greater in size to the marauding ape, there is simply no defense against this sort of attack. I heard of one man who took on such a beast with an axe, and had both legs torn off within seconds. The creature then crushed his two young sons into a meaty paste and smeared him with it as he lay dying. Nasty business.
To be continued next week.
It's true, guys! This man isn't kidding! I've been working in Observatory for nine months, and in that time no fewer than SIX of my colleagues have been targeted in card skimming attacks, mostly right outside the office and in broad daylight!
ReplyDeleteI never even go outside for a smoke break without packing my Haitian zombie antidote.
"Arrow cutting"! Pure genius!
ReplyDeleteI've recently heard of a new wave of credit card skimmers were the fiends have been targeting Japanese people eyes. Can you even imagine the horror of some poor Japanese eye getting mercilessly skimmed?
... Priceless, I think not!
Unfortunately, giant lizards are increasingly expensive, because wealthy Japanese use their scales for roof tiling.
ReplyDeleteWhile you're on the waiting list for a reptile over eight feet in height, it's best to cover every available surface in insecticide "foggers." Unleashing them all (protected by a suitable gas mask) while the ape is tearing down the walls has been shown to make the immersed anthropoid sufficiently groggy, once it has penetrated the defences, to overwhelm.