Be safe! Part three

More crimes and how to avoid being a victim! I'm too ill to write a witty intro…see part one and part two.

5. Riding the gravy train
If there is a single crime symptomatic of the disgusting moral decline of our society, it is the revolting youthful trend euphemistically dubbed riding the gravy train. Today's degenerate youngsters are not simply content with picking pockets, writing filthy slogans on walls, or scrumping for apples. They want to rot our society from the inside and laugh as we see our hard won values fall. Then they want to piss in our faces.

This trend involves boys and girls, sometimes as young as 4, seducing older men in respected positions of power in order to publicly humiliate them. How many amongst us know a trusted uncle, a kindly old teacher, or even a beloved parish priest, robbed of their dignity with a slickly acted charade? These children can turn their tears on like a tap, and they have no qualms about using their bodies like credit cards to arouse a naïve old chap, tease him, titillate him, and then pop the cork ride the gravy train! Then it's off to brag to their sick little gang about silly, red faced Father So-and-so, and how easily this lonely old man was bullied into unwilling buggery. For shame!

Even though this doesn't affect all of us, it is a good idea to make sure that old men in positions of authority are given our unwavering trust no matter what. It is the whittling of this trust, and ultimately the destruction of the pillars of our collective decency, that these youngsters want. If you know such a man who is accused of inappropriate behaviour by some deviant young person, we all know very well that the only crime they're probably guilty of is caring too much.

6. Identity theft
With the advent of passports, computers and credit cards, proving that we are who we claim has become very important indeed. In olden times when there were fewer names and people were generally of a better quality, any confusion over which of one the village's ten Florians owed you a goat could easily be settled over a flagon of cider and a nice chat. Where have those days gone?

Identity thieves are basically out there to steal your life, but unlike the common killer, they don't always leave you for dead. The methods vary, depending on the skill and criminal imagination of the thief. I heard of one trickster waylaying a man, tying him up, taking his jacket, and merely holding a photograph of the victim's face over his own. He then went to the victim's home and shouted to the family from outdoors that they were all to play hide and seek – they only saw him fleetingly through the front window and nothing seemed amiss. While they hid, the thief emptied the house. How's that for a fuck you dressed as a good afternoon kiss?

These cases unfortunately aren't always that innocent. I read about an incident in which a slim thief actually killed a rotund gentleman and wore his carcass as a suit to fool family and friends. He lived in the victim's house for a fortnight, until all the family's savings had been electronically transferred to an offshore account. He then fled, leaving nothing but a well dressed carcass rotting on the couch.

Identity protection is just not as easy as protecting a chest of gold or a flock of sheep. It takes brains as well as cutlasses or dogs. First thing is to get easily identifiable scars or tattoos – do this today! Then you should develop a series of code words to use with your family and closest friends. If someone wears your severed face over their own, you and your family could be fucked, until your wife realises you haven't said "…of course my own urine is far sweeter…" for more than five minutes. Bam! A twelve gauge pelvic massage for the great pretender and your family fortune remains untouched by criminal (and probably foreign) hands.

That's it for now folks. I'll be back next week with more ways to help you live longer in this fetid swamp of human evil we call home.