Be safe! Part two

My friends, my friends: please forgive me! I've been existing in a new-home inspired funk recently, and I've not had the time or energy to put fleshy digit to hard plastic and continue my safety tips I started in Be Safe! part one.

But enough about me and my problems. It's a fucking jungle out there – a concrete jungle full of law breaking animals who want to steal your shoes and violate your corpse. Want to survive? Read on – these crimes are real and could happen to anyone, hint hint.

3. Fishing scams
As if this country wasn't sick enough already, low life criminal scum have resorted to robbing fishermen of their haul, in many cases leaving them unable to feed their families.

The scam is simple – a group of bandits, either disguised as traveling jesters or fortune tellers, hail a hapless fisherman as he returns home with his catch. They pretend that their cart has a broken wheel, and implore the man to help them repair it. While the good natured fellow sweats away, trying to fix the problem, a member of the group steals his fish and replaces them with wrapped wads of human feces. Once the wheel is fixed, the group thanks the man, and he returns to his home. Only then does he discover his smelly cargo, and the miscreants are long gone!

In order to avoid being duped in this way, simply never stop to help gypsies, clowns, fortune tellers, jugglers, bear baiters, or anyone who looks like they work in a carnival. Since it's 2010, these people should stick out like a sore thumb, but you'd be surprised how many idiots fall for this sort of thing.

4. Driveway robberies
In my last update I wrote about smash and grab attacks that employed enormous primates to empty houses. This week the hot potato is driveway robberies, in which a largish group, or horde, if you will, of savage barbarians literally charge up the victim's driveway with a battering ram and smash down their garage door.

Once they have gained access to the main house, the horde will go on a rampage, stealing silver, slaves, and gold, until their lust for conquest has been sated and they give thanks to Odin, usually by way of animal sacrifice (or the youngest child in the house, if they don't have pets). They then return to their longships (often moored on the Liesbeek River) and head back to their frozen northern wasteland, where the slaves are set to work preparing lavish banquets and serving mead in cups made from animal horns and human skulls.

A fancy alarm system won't really help you if you're being charged down by some lunatic wearing animal furs and carrying a battle axe, so in this case, the best form of defense is definitely an offense. Dig pit traps in your garden and line them with spikes. Construct elaborate and impractical boobytraps that pulp invaders with a giant hammer, and always remember to keep a huge cauldron of oil simmering just above your driveway door. Owning a handgun might also help.

Until next time, keep a calm head on your shoulders, and keep 'em peeled – crime never sleeps and usually only holidays in Spring, to save money before peak season rates kick in.