'Funny' jokes for unfortuneate times

Reading the papers is so depressing these days that by the end of page 6, I've wept enough to render the entire sports section soggy and unreadable. It's not really much of a loss, because I don't care for sport, and frankly a lot of what is written in papers these days is a fucking joke anyway. Between the woes of the poor, the victims of crime, and the revolutionaries now sucking cock for overseas investment, South Africa must look to the world like that hot girl you see from behind at a party who turns around to reveal she has a hairlip and Bell's palsy. Also, she's a raving kleptomaniac with a drug problem, so you need to count the spoons after she leaves. Lucky for us she got her come uppance on the way home, because she was raped by a group of young men for wearing a short skirt and this is a man's Africa (they have the cock scars to prove it, thank you very much). Thankfully she will recover as she wasn't nearly as badly beaten as refugees fleeing civil war and starvation....this was all going to be a preamble to a few jokes I wrote myself, so yeah....here they are. Have a laugh.....just say "ha" over and over again. Apparently you simply cannot fail.

1. A 20 something blonde walked into a sweetshop and she asked the shopkeeper for a large bag of toffees. He smile politely and asked what flavour she wanted. She replied that any normal flavour would suffice, as they were for her troublesome 10 year old nephew who wouldn't shut up with these stories about inappropriate touching by his uncle. Alarmed, the shopkeeper asked her if she had investigated her nephew's claims, but she just laughed and said he makes up stories all the time.

Two days later the shopkeeper picked up the community newspaper and read that a local man had been arrested for molesting a number of children over a period of years. He wondered whether this was connected to his customer from days before.

"Why do they always try to silence them with sweets?" he thought to himself, while wiping down his counter, "Surgical tape, or even a small incision in the spinal column works so much better. I'm glad that rank amateur is out of the picture."

2. A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor, 'It puts a lot of pressure on your heart.'

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

Later that night the doctor was on shift in casualty, when the very same man was wheeled in, looking pale and sick.

'Oh dear lord!' exclaimed the doctor, 'Did you have a heart attack?'

'No,' the man muttered feebly, 'I'm a very lonely man, and I don't actually have a wife or a girlfriend. I took the Viagra and picked up a hooker, but she waited till I was naked, and then she stabbed me 3 times in the genitals with a switchblade.'

'Someone take this guy away!' gasped the doctor, doubled over with laughter, 'If I picture this sad cunt being stabbed in the balls, I am just going to puke from laughing!"

3. A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . whether you're here or not."

With a grunt of rage, the husband struck his wife a mighty blow to her face, sending teeth and a spray of blood flying. He relentlessly beat her through screaming, crying, and finally rattled gasps. He swigged Jack Daniels (a wedding present from one of his boozing buddies) as he watched his young wife die in front of him.

Later that day, after a few more bottles of hard liquor, he hanged himself, overcome with remorse at his unforgivable crime.

4. A southern American white supremacist dies in a car accident (he was drunk at the wheel) and he finds himself at the pearly gates, confronted by St Peter, who puts on some spectacles and asks him a few questions from a clipboard.

'So Norman St.Claire, do you feel you lead a blameless life?'

Without hesitation Norman nodded in agreement. St Peter smiled and wrote something down on his clipboard.

'What would be your crowning achievement in your mortal lifetime, Norman?'

Norman thought for a bit, and finally said 'Well sir, I guess it had to be the time that I hid in some bushes down by the river and shot that nigger kid. Police arrested his own uncle for it! Yeeehaw!'

St Peter covered his hand with his mouth, composed himself, and continued: 'How would you say you glorified the Lord during your living years, Norman?'

Norman rattled off various stories of preventing black people from attending his church, throwing stones at a doctor emerging from an abortion clinic, and beating up a gay youth at a bar, while St Peter closed his eyes and once again cupped his mouth with his hand and remained silent.

'What would you consider the lowest point of your living years?' asked St Peter, his cheeks glowing red.

'Well sir', began Norman, preparing to unleash the story of how he drunkenly shoved his aged mother down the stairs, only to be interrupted by a peal of laughter from St Peter.

'Oh, ho ho ho ho, Jesus, I can't do this anymore.....I'm sorry you guys.....just look at his face!' guffawed St Peter, as Norman stood aghast, while several angelic figures appeared from thin air around him, also chortling with merriment.

Norman realised something was wrong, and began to speak, when St Peter silenced him with the wave of a hand.

'Did you think for even a second that a pathetic, bigoted, ignorant animal like yourself would be allowed in Heaven?' asked St Peter, looking stern, 'The 10 commandments are core of the bible - everything else is just background. Anyone who believes otherwise is obviously retarded, or a heretic. When you chose to hate and act upon your hate, you effectively spat in God's face. I hope you enjoy Hell, motherfucker.'

He then cast him screaming into Hell, where he would suffer for eternity, because of his bad attitude and right wing beliefs.

5. Why was the pirate barred from seeing The Exorcist? He wasn't, and during the film he slit another patron's throat, smoked a pipe, and left pieces of salted fish scattered across several rows. The cinema was successfully sued, and the duty manager was jailed for 3 years. In jail he developed the heroin addiction that ultimately ended his life some 6 years later.

6. A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

A deathly silence fell over the party, and the couple left amidst stares of pity and contempt. On the way home, the wife wept, and confessed that she had repeatedly cheated on her husband, and in reality, he was probably only father of two out of the six children. He yelled at her and didn't speak to her for a week, but eventually he forgave her.

They lived adequately ever after - her affairs continuing, and his self worth eroded to the point that he barely had the courage to make the smallest decision, and every day was a trial in which the thought of suicide seemed like winning the lottery.

7. Knock knock!

Who's there?

Please Madam, I'm Simon and I come from Burundi - I have had nothing to eat for four days. I walked most of the way from George to Cape Town. Please sir, if you could spare any change or a little food....

Simon! My good man! Come in immediately! You look so cold and hungry - sit down at the kitchen table and I shall make you a sandwhich. It must have been a superhuman undertaking to get all the way from Burundi to our fair city. Here you go! I hope you like roast beef!

Thank you so much Madam! All I heard were stories of how people here don't want foreigners here....

Oh Simon, how could that be? We have plenty here, and it would be a crime not help a starving man. Those stories must have been fabrications, because the ten commandments cleary state to love one's neighbour, and over eighty percent of our population are christian! This is a land of love and tolerance!

Thank you thank you thank you madam! I shall spread the word that truly there is a sanctury for the lost, weak, and frightened and our troubled continent.

Well, there you go. You can stop saying "ha" now. I hope this has started off your day with a zing, and that this article sets the tone for your entire weekend. "Have a drink on me!" to quote Brian Johnson, and a big thank you to YTAH for some of the amusing pictures I've put up to distract you from the ghastly outpourings of my blackened, bitter heart.

Factual enrichment part 2

I'd rather not leave everyone down from my whining about my putrid problems, so here is part two of my fact list. Enjoy the feeling of your head being engorged with knowledge, and use it as your shield when facing the world, the way ignorant people use god, and that fat racist thief, Julius Malema uses poor people.

12. Turkey has the largest subterranean cave network of any country on earth, stretching over 1200kms, and able to house the entire population 3 times over.

13. Pet cats are responsible for the highest percentage of pet owner's deaths, followed by dogs, with snakes and rabbits in third place. Statistically, the safest pet to own is a cricket.

14. Rapper Snoop Dogg spent 1991-1993 performing under 12 different names, including Killer Kalvin, Doggz Body MC, Broadus Sholdaz, MC Heartplug, and Snoopy G-Buster, until he settled on his now famous moniker.

15. Liquidised maggots are the same consistency as hen's egg whites, but with 3 times the protein, and are used extensively in Japan, parts of China, and parts of Korea in all baked goods.

16. Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmore played the longest guitar solo in history on 22 June 1971 in an outdoor concert in London. Lasting for 6 hours 12 minutes, Gilmore wore a catheter and colostomy bag for the duration, and had a roadie feed him a roast beef and mustard baguette after the first 2 hours. The rest of the band played for 90 minutes, and were then replaced by session musicians and members of Hawkwind, Camel, and the drummer from the Moody Blues.

17. There are currently more computer mice on earth than there are real mice.

18. The collective population of America outweighs the collective population of India, even though there are less than a third as many people.

19. The original historical Jesus Christ was actually a carpenter, although he specialised in erotic furniture. He married a woman called Mary, and had 3 sons and 1 daughter. He never incited revolution although he was an outspoken activist who opposed Roman taxes and brutality. Towards the end of his life he spearheaded an organistion of Jews who experimented with hallucinogenic plants and astral projection.

20. Between 40 and 60 people every year die when they rupture cranial blood vessels during violent sneezing.

Your head is fat now? Your head couldn't eat any more? Well maybe? Just a little one......just a little one for desert......something sweet and chocolaty....mmmmmmmm. Oh alright then.

21. Last year a bible verse was found on the inside of a duck's egg by a farmer in Texas. It was claimed to be a miracle until experts discovered 3 misspellings and the word "sucker" at the end of the last sentence. It was immediately condemned as a hoax and the farmer was fined $200000 which bankrupted him.

Kak Thursday

It's been one of those weeks that make one want to throw all caution to the wind and swallow an entire bucket full of painkillers. I am moving house in six days, so my stress level won't dip for at least a fortnight (or longer), and I am simply not able to deflect every lump of shit life throws in my face no matter how fast I dance. Being white, I can't dance that well, so next time you see me, you'd be forgiven for mistaking me for a giant turd.

I woke up today and reality was my enemy – one of those days when succumbing to consciousness means facing a shitstorm. Add a hangover and a deep sense of wrong, and you have my Thursday. Spend the rest of the day doing mindlessly dull work and painfully dissecting a drunken screaming match with my girlfriend, and it all seems rather pointless.

It's crazy how a few minutes of insult hurling can shatter an optimistic outlook and make one question everything. Yesterday at 8pm I was feeling carefree, if slightly detached, and by 10pm I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that things are never as good as you think they are, your world can turn to shit in seconds, and you aren't actually as skilled at repairing damages as you may have thought.

One thing is certain – moving house makes me wish I was dead far more frequently than usual.

Opening argument

Hello and welcome to Pinvictor's fortress of facts. I started this blog to entertain, educate, and express myself like some word slinging fancyman. If you want to learn something, and occasionally enjoy a wry chuckle at life's little quirks, then check back here on a regular basis, and I give you my solemn promise that you will not be disappointed.

I used to write for a satirical site called Africans, which has sadly curled up and died, and I shall be retroactively picking up where I left off. By that I mean I will be supplementing new content with some of my best old pieces from Afs.

All I ask of you is that you return regularly, treat my opinions like they're the word of God, purchase anything If I start selling stuff, and of course recommend this blog to all your friends.

For a taster, here is part of a factual post I researched for Africans. Please enjoy them (a gentleman never demands, even if he is holding the riding crop).

1. In 1015AD a farmer in what is now Sussex grew the world's largest pumpkin, measuring 25 metres in diameter. Scholars of the time declared it an abomination, and decided that only God himself could destroy it. They built a scaffold (the largest man made structure on earth until 1792) to take the pumpkin to heaven, but had to stop when they got outside the earth's gravitational pull and workmen and tools floated away. They launched the pumpkin into space, where it began to collect space debris as it circled the earth. Cut to present day - we now call that infamous pumpkin "the moon"!

2. For a decade, scientists have been trying to distill a usable fuel from human hair, but have thus far failed. The problem with the hair based fuel is that it burns far hotter than regular fuel and would cause cars and other machines to move up to 4 times faster, creating havoc on the roads, and chaos in laboratories.

3. Rock guitarist Richie Sambora (of Bon Jovi) has the largest collection of Hummel figurines in the united states, and owns a custom set (in a specially made diorama) depicting the WW2 allies advancing on Berlin and Hitler's last hours in his bunker.

4. A prototype of the roller-skate saw the wearer wrapping their feet in rags soaked in warm lard, and "skating" across smooth surfaces. It was proposed that lard skate rinks be massive slabs of highly polished marble, with sound systems that played a mix of acoustic blues and light classics.

5. India is the world's largest supplier of Bibles - even though a mere 2% of the population admit to being practicing christians.

6. Film star Tom Cruise has a miniature pyramid inside his Hollywood mansion. It contains solid gold coffins for him, his wife, and his daughter Suri, so (according to his beliefs) they may ascend to the realm of Xenu unhindered by attacks from the malevolent alien race called the Freudax.

7. The world's largest cheese sculpture was a 20 foot high rendition of Christ on the cross, created in Dublin in 1918. It was to be entered in the Guinness Book of World Records, but was disqualified at the last minute when the bodies of 2 urchins were discovered in the chest cavity of Christ, meaning that the work consisted of less than 95% cheese, making it fall outside the category of single substance structures. Accusations of fraud were dropped when it was revealed that the hungry urchins had snuck into the studio where the sculpture was made and had inadvertently fallen into the vat of molten cheese.

8. Actor Marlon Brando ate his own weight in fudge in 1989, and 2 years later in 1991, he ate his own weight in mustard.

9. By the year 2040, the sun will have become so hot that it will be able to cook a raw egg in under a minute, and human beings will have to wear space suits filled with cooled water to survive. All trees will combust, and in order to survive, mankind will need to replace all forests and fields with vast stretches of asbestos.

10. New Jersey boasts the only MacDonald's fast food restaurant that is staffed entirely by blind people. The kitchen operates in total darkness, and all the kitchen staff work naked save for their aprons. For the sake of hygiene, a specialist barber daily removes all of their body hair.

11. A "clannissud" was a leather covered club -like medieval device used to dispel evil spirits believed to be hiding in urchins and beggars. The possessed mendicant was struck hard on either side of the neck, and then struck repeatedly in the mouth until the hiding demon was expelled along with phlegm, blood, and teeth. The newly saved person would then be carried to hallowed ground and tethered to a large stone or tree to prevent re-possession. After a week, it was considered safe to release them back into society.