Opening argument

Hello and welcome to Pinvictor's fortress of facts. I started this blog to entertain, educate, and express myself like some word slinging fancyman. If you want to learn something, and occasionally enjoy a wry chuckle at life's little quirks, then check back here on a regular basis, and I give you my solemn promise that you will not be disappointed.

I used to write for a satirical site called Africans, which has sadly curled up and died, and I shall be retroactively picking up where I left off. By that I mean I will be supplementing new content with some of my best old pieces from Afs.

All I ask of you is that you return regularly, treat my opinions like they're the word of God, purchase anything If I start selling stuff, and of course recommend this blog to all your friends.

For a taster, here is part of a factual post I researched for Africans. Please enjoy them (a gentleman never demands, even if he is holding the riding crop).

1. In 1015AD a farmer in what is now Sussex grew the world's largest pumpkin, measuring 25 metres in diameter. Scholars of the time declared it an abomination, and decided that only God himself could destroy it. They built a scaffold (the largest man made structure on earth until 1792) to take the pumpkin to heaven, but had to stop when they got outside the earth's gravitational pull and workmen and tools floated away. They launched the pumpkin into space, where it began to collect space debris as it circled the earth. Cut to present day - we now call that infamous pumpkin "the moon"!

2. For a decade, scientists have been trying to distill a usable fuel from human hair, but have thus far failed. The problem with the hair based fuel is that it burns far hotter than regular fuel and would cause cars and other machines to move up to 4 times faster, creating havoc on the roads, and chaos in laboratories.

3. Rock guitarist Richie Sambora (of Bon Jovi) has the largest collection of Hummel figurines in the united states, and owns a custom set (in a specially made diorama) depicting the WW2 allies advancing on Berlin and Hitler's last hours in his bunker.

4. A prototype of the roller-skate saw the wearer wrapping their feet in rags soaked in warm lard, and "skating" across smooth surfaces. It was proposed that lard skate rinks be massive slabs of highly polished marble, with sound systems that played a mix of acoustic blues and light classics.

5. India is the world's largest supplier of Bibles - even though a mere 2% of the population admit to being practicing christians.

6. Film star Tom Cruise has a miniature pyramid inside his Hollywood mansion. It contains solid gold coffins for him, his wife, and his daughter Suri, so (according to his beliefs) they may ascend to the realm of Xenu unhindered by attacks from the malevolent alien race called the Freudax.

7. The world's largest cheese sculpture was a 20 foot high rendition of Christ on the cross, created in Dublin in 1918. It was to be entered in the Guinness Book of World Records, but was disqualified at the last minute when the bodies of 2 urchins were discovered in the chest cavity of Christ, meaning that the work consisted of less than 95% cheese, making it fall outside the category of single substance structures. Accusations of fraud were dropped when it was revealed that the hungry urchins had snuck into the studio where the sculpture was made and had inadvertently fallen into the vat of molten cheese.

8. Actor Marlon Brando ate his own weight in fudge in 1989, and 2 years later in 1991, he ate his own weight in mustard.

9. By the year 2040, the sun will have become so hot that it will be able to cook a raw egg in under a minute, and human beings will have to wear space suits filled with cooled water to survive. All trees will combust, and in order to survive, mankind will need to replace all forests and fields with vast stretches of asbestos.

10. New Jersey boasts the only MacDonald's fast food restaurant that is staffed entirely by blind people. The kitchen operates in total darkness, and all the kitchen staff work naked save for their aprons. For the sake of hygiene, a specialist barber daily removes all of their body hair.

11. A "clannissud" was a leather covered club -like medieval device used to dispel evil spirits believed to be hiding in urchins and beggars. The possessed mendicant was struck hard on either side of the neck, and then struck repeatedly in the mouth until the hiding demon was expelled along with phlegm, blood, and teeth. The newly saved person would then be carried to hallowed ground and tethered to a large stone or tree to prevent re-possession. After a week, it was considered safe to release them back into society.