Guidelines for optimising a social event regarding fun, the having of.

I don't often host parties, and when I do, I am usually consumed with gnawing anxiety about my guests' experience. It cuts me deeply that I only live in a small house which can accommodate but a handful of the guests I would like to invite. However, I would like to make any party/event/shindig/hootenanny/wingding memorable and fun for all involved.

Most people would just say provide a buttload of booze and let everyone get hammered, but I have been to enough failed soirees to know that things don't always work out. In my opinion, a well supervised party will be a successful party – everyone will have a smashing time and leave with fond memories.

In an effort to facilitate such at time, and for future events, I have compiled a list of non-negotiable party rules. Enjoy! (That is not a request)

1. No longer than 5 minutes in the toilet at a time - remember that you are not the only guest and the facilities are here to be used by all.

2. Conversation shall be made only about fun, good times, and entertainment related topics. We're here to enjoy ourselves and not worry about poor people, catholics, pollution, or animal rights.

3. Avoid dwelling on the past. It is worth mentioning that dwelling exclusively on good times is expressly forbidden. This brings about the inevitable comparison between previous good times (tempered with nostalgia) and the current good time and inevitably the past wins ("Ooh ooh, at the last party I went to I wasn't beaten on the soles of my feet blah blah blah"). Another side effect of this nostalgia is the possible sudden realisation that compared to the idylls of youth, one's life is now a big bucket of shit, and this leads to sadness and bad times, so STOP IT.

4. The music has been carefully selected for the enjoyment of all guests, but it is possible that a tune or two may not please everybody. There are two courses of action open to you, if you find yourself in this position. Smile and pretend you like it, or start dancing until you grow to like it.

5. Don't hog the crisps - everyone is allocated 3 moderate handfuls, so any Greedy Gerties will be asked to leave.

6. No displays of sad/serious emotions - When people have fun, they don't want to hear about a terminally ill relative or how depressed you are. Smile, chuckle, and laugh as much as you want, but if you frown, I'll turn that frown upside down as I push your sad face into the toilet so you can flush away your tears.

7. Don't hover in the kitchen if the dancing area/lounge is empty. Nobody has fun in the kitchen unless it is impromptu intercourse on the kitchen table. If you insist on hanging around in the kitchen, I will leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, so you can keep yourself busy until you feel up to rejoining the revelry.

8. The limits of madness. It's great to have a little zaniness at a party, but things will go badly for everyone if anyone puts even a skin flake over the line I've drawn in my mind. An occasional yell of "Let's paaarty!" or donning a paper hat and blowing a party whistle are acceptable, but hiding my shoes as a prank is not. Too much craziness and I'll be forced to throw you out through the gate, so your body comes out in fat meaty slices on the other side like some old cartoon. How will you update your Facebook status when bergies devour your remains?

9. Don't leave too early or too late. Everyone hates it when some buzzkill leaves an hour after the second guest arrives, because they have to go home and floss their arse or tend to their bonsai or whatever it is boring people do with their time. Just hang loose, grab a brewski, and rhythmically sway to the sound coming out the hi-fi. If you are still in the house several days after the last guest departed, it is time to leave, unless you have signed a contract to serve as either my butler or bodyguard.

10. Just have fun! That's why we're all here, after all. Just make sure you don't smile too much, or smile insincerely, because that makes people ill at ease which will spoil the atmos. If you can't help yourself, please hide your face until the malady passes or you perish from starvation.